Jared Jeffries

If you ask me, the best medicine always comes from Dr. Mom...Dr. Gregory Mom, my father.

My dad is my hero, which is convenient because my dad is Jackie Chan.

According to my doctor, I'll never be a mother. Not a good one, anyway.

Claire had eyes in the back of her head. To make matters worse, she also had a nose and mouth back there. The front of her head fared no better, as it was covered in hair. As if that weren't enough, her head was attached to her body backwards so that the eyes on the back of her head faced forward. Miserable creature that she was, her adoptive mother and I did our best to raise her as a normal child. In fact, she eventually blended into society so seamlessly that no one seemed to even notice the abnormalities at all. In private, though, we always made sure to remind her that she was a twisted monster, so she wouldn't forget her roots.

Overcoming slavery has always been an obstacle for our people...and by "our people," I mean the people we own.

My superpower is that I have anger issues. My superweakness is that I see personal defects as superpowers.

"Fine," I said to my captors, "If you want to treat me like an ape, I'll act like an ape!"
"This'll show them," I thought to myself as I defecated in my hand and threw my feces against the wall, ceiling, and generally all over. Truth be told, I was already doing the defecating in my hand by the time I thought to say that line. If I really had to get specific, it would probably be more accurate to say the line was a later justification for throwing poop everywhere. I can see how some people might argue that, but really, it's pointless to debate the chronology of the thing. I guess my point is get out of my face.

As she began her story, I wondered why I was so much better at faking interest in Aunt Rose than I was at faking interest in other people. Then it hit me: maybe I wasn't faking it at all. Maybe I was genuinely interested in another person. Yes, that was it! I actually cared about this kind old woman...and it felt good! I was a good person after all! I was so caught up in the excitement of self-discovery that I missed most of what Rose actually said. I would have asked her to repeat it, but she died pretty soon after that. Still, though, it was worth it to have that moment with her, whatever it was about. Something about an oxygen tank or something.

There is only one rule: There are no rules. Except one: have fun. And the first rule...the one about there being only one rule, which I guess makes two. So there are two rules: there are no rules and under all circumstances have fun. Also no shoving, but I think that's implied by the second rule. I feel like I should mention it, though, because to be perfectly honest, we've had a real shoving problem around here lately. That's probably my fault because a lot of people tune out completely after they hear the first rule. And because I do a lot of shoving. So there are three rules, and the third rule is there are no rules.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, shame on society. Fool me four times, shame on me again because I really should have seen that coming. Fool me five times, though, and it's back on you because, seriously, why are you such an asshole?

Everybody thinks it's rude to ask a man point-blank how he lost that leg. Nobody ever thinks twice about asking how a dog lost it's leg. When they see a man, a child, and a dog all together, though, and all three of them are missing the one leg, they just go with it.

"Did you say, 'tiny gay scene' or 'tiny Gacy?'
"Why?"
"I think I might be dressed very inappropriately"

I know I'm going out on a limb here, but I think we should start a business together. Before you stop me, let me point out that, yes, I'm aware of the difficulties we are going to face and, yes, we are doing everything we can to fix the gas leak in the room right now. We have a strong business model, a precedent has already been set and--this isn't just the gas talking--I am a dinosaur.
What? No, maybe you have your priorities backward. I told you we're working on the gas leak. Anyway, I have some numbers I'd like to show you from the city--Hold on. Can I call you right back? The faucet is screaming at me.

The first thing I noticed was that my pee smelled like asparagus. The second thing I noticed was that it wasn't just asparagus: my pee smelled like anything I ate or drank. The third thing I noticed was that I was smelling my pee an awful lot. I asked my neighbor, the former astronaut, what this said about me as a person and (typical) all he said was "How did you get into our house and why have you peed everywhere?!" In retrospect, this is a perfectly valid counter-question, but it's not really an answer, is it, Tom?